identification with the Dark Side

Today's fan-art: 

Iggycat claims cat tree for the Empire; Americat, for Manifest Destiny.

http://mysticdragon3.deviantart.com/art/nekotalia-vertical-territory-281732235

In a rush today, so, rather than write a whole new essay, I randomly pulled out an old journal file.  I hope I caught all the personal/embarrassing parts...
3:20 PM 9/21/2008

 I always knew that I had liked Return of the Jedi the most, out of the original Star Wars trilogy, but I couldn't really explain why.  I thought I had the reason, when I explained to someone else that I just liked how cool Luke was in Episode VI.  I wondered if there was something more subconscious going on, that made me favor Return of the Jedi.  I realized that unlike the 2 other original movies in the Star Wars trilogy, this focused more on the gray side and redemption. 

This weekend, while watching the commentaries for the first time on these movies, I was reminded that most people were in shock of Darth Vader's true Weakness.  I believe, during one audio commentary, it was mentioned how people had perceived Darth Vader as an "all-powerful", cool figure, and when Empire Strikes Back was first released, many people were shocked and displeased with the hints of Vader being this old and disfigured human underneath.  I recalled  that VH1 retrospective on Star Wars, where various celebrities, even Kevin Smith, expressed disappointment in Return of the Jedi revealing Vader as some old, decrepit man. 

But to me, all those Weaknesses were things I understood and could relate to.  I know very well being in the dark, having even negative emotions as a "natural state", feeling cool and even a pseudo-strong, but simultaneously aware of my Weaknesses.  Treading the gray side, sympathizing with the dark and not just siding with the light and disdaining the dark (It's ironic for me to speak against "black&white" thinking, since my mentality was sooooooo "black&white" back then...but for the sake of any excuse to have permission to lash out..) were all things I identified with.  So, it should make sense that my Subconscious responded most to Return of the Jedi. 

The greatest hints to that realization came with looking at the video games I held dear.  I mean, video games are much more real---fuller experiences, than just watching a story.  And the experiences I really reacted to were Devil May Cry 3 and Kingdom Hearts.  Both were stories where the "bad guy" was really someone the Hero wanted to "save" more than just defeat.  Darth Vader, Vergil, and Riku were all "enemies" which I felt more inclined to "save" or understand, because I could identify with using a darker path to achieve good intentions.  Rather, it was more of a "gray" state of mind which could not accept the ethics of others, outsiders.  It was more about following one's own path and not needing others to validate one's emotions and convictions.  That was a type of Strength.  That's why I love so much that Riku went back to a more benign lifepath, without just joining the light and "traditions".  Riku was totally valid and not judged wrongly for choosing the "road between light and dark". 

Even recently, I've journalled about becoming aware of my pattern of gravitating towards stories (anime, manga, video games, etc.) with a  "dual hero path".  I appreciate the full depth exploration and sympathetic portrayal of Lelouch in Code Geass. 

Return of the Jedi did the same for Darth Vader, and I appreciated that true identification with the Dark Side.

Nekotalia fan-art.

http://mysticdragon3.deviantart.com/#/d4nmubn

Yandere:
1.  (noun)  A character which expresses affection through psychotic violence; from "yanderu" meaning "mentally unstable" and "deredere" meaning "expressing affection". 
2.  (noun)  A character which is generally cheerful and agreeable, but hides a dark side.

This is what I have come to understand as the meaning(s) of "yandere".  According to my research, the paraphrased definition above, seems to be the original meaning of the term.  While the second definition seems to have evolved, during use in the fandom. 

And I'm ok with that. 

Sometimes, when I'm at anime conventions, there are people who are offended by other fans, who get terminology "wrong".  There are those who believe that only the original or literal meanings are correct.  These people tend to give the vibe of elitists, speak loud, deprecating, and give an unaccepting atmosphere, lacking in understanding of others.  Not that they are wrong (sans the antagonistic airs).  But then these people yell that one cannot make-up language to suit their needs, and that's where I can no longer agree. 

Look at English.  Old English sounds nothing like even what Shakespeare wrote.  And present day people are making up slang everyday.  Scholars have even had to recognize it with terms like "vernacular".  "Cool" is often not used in the literal sense.  And this practice seems to have made many words diverge far away from their original meanings, during the evolution of any language. 

But that's okay.  When we get down to it, language is just a tool to understand other people's thoughts and feelings.  If someone is using the word "yandere", using the 2nd/newer meaning, our conversation isn't really going to go anywhere, if I insist on only understanding the word in its first meaning.  Because that scenario isn't open to trying to understand what someone else's feelings/thoughts are.  And if that other person's thoughts are not conveyed, then there's no real reason to bother attempting to get new ideas from outside one's own mind.  Even if we are all speaking the same language, venacular introduces a secondary practice of "translating" from another person's "personal language".  But that's just fine; all it means is that people are very diverse.  Which is healthy.  Also, interpreting someone else's thoughts, even from their use of the same language, is just the nature of trying to understand a different person.  Philosophers are constantly citing how limiting and impossible it is to completely understand a whole other person's feelings/thoughts.  Language can never truly express another's feelings/thoughts/experiences, not as completely as they themselves experience it.  Language really can never be more than a permanently imperfect tool:  falling short to convey truth, as well as introducing new confusions.  But, it's what we got.  And if we have to evolve it to make it better suit our needs, then I welcome the option to do so.  Afterall, the goal is to *try* to understand someone else's thoughts (not refuse to try, because we can't speak/use the exact same language). 

So the next time someone gives you flack about proudly calling yourself "otaku", just because the Japanese use that Japanese word as a derogatory term, tell them that the derogatory use of "otaku" in Japan, isn't even the original meaning of the word.  "Otaku" originally was a formal form of "you".  Geeks in Japan started using it to address themselves---just for fun, I might add, and probably also to identify comrades who will accept them.  And as Americans, who have a unique history of minorities who internalize derogatory terms/symbols to empower themselves, it's very surprising whenever American geeks of anime/manga would be so unaccepting of their own kind, doing the same. 

[See, Professor?  Someone *did* learn something from your American social studies class!  ^o^ ...With a little help from my dad's perspective as an immigrant in America.]

ramblings of fan-art in fandom

http://mysticdragon3.deviantart.com/#/d4njls9

Another fan-art of Americat using Iggycat as a pillow.  I know I had another, more interesting idea for the fan-art today.  But for some reason, the idea just disappeared when I finally started doodling.  ~.~;  I could have even finished inking and coloring this before midnight, but I just couldn't concentrate, when a (better) idea was eluding me.  This drawing is pretty much like yesterday's, but they're asleep.  I ran an image seach for "cat hugs other cat", to make sure I get a few points right.  I should have run that search a long time ago.  So many cute kitties filling one screen!  ^u^ 

Anyway, I didn't craft today, even though Artist Alley is creeping closer and my brother even gave me his wig he wants styled by the next anime con.  But can I count working on my business card?  Aside from writing about the thought I put into choosing its points, working on that card design was all I did today.  That, and sleep, and draw, an hour ago.  ^^;  (I posted that writing in my other blog, since it's not as focused on just fandom.  http://mysticdragon3.livejournal.com/21257.html ) 

Selling my fan-art in Artist Alley is going to be a big step for me, and not just in the fandom area of my life.  But thinking about publishing fan-art, I can't help but be nostalgic about how far that practice has come.  It used to be, we drew for ourselves.  And I could only really show my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles drawings to other classmates who shared the same fandom.  Then came the internet and a wonderous ability to share worldwide.  *____*  We all learned HTML and what graphic file compression was.  Then fan-pages turned into networking sites, like DeviantArt, and now that's where we all share our fan-art. 

But eventually, whether fan-art or fan-fiction, everyone gradually begins their own, original stories.  Usually, when someone bows out of a fandom, that reason is usually part of their farewell or "apology for lurking" messages.  I know that some American comic book artists started out with fanzines, and manga-ka like CLAMP and Sanami Matoh started with doujinshi.  I feel like joining Artist Alley is some kind of great tradition of fandom.  Actually, not "like", it is.  Or else that huge chunk of the Comic Con floor wouldn't be dedicated to "independent press" and individual artists. 

Fandom is a great, big world, with many layers of complex participation.  I love it.  ^_^

Hetalia DVD 3 came in today!

First, the fanart:
http://mysticdragon3.deviantart.com/#/d4ng13x

Very small vacation, but I'm back home now. 
And what should be in the mailbox but......HETALIA DVD 3!!!!!  *O*  So giddy, I jumped up and down, several times.  *U*  (Oh, and my brother's order of Shin-chan box 3 parts 1-2 came with.)  But now, the fun is over.  I _just_ finished all the episodes on the new DVD.  Now it's time to wait for the next release.  x_x... 

I didn't order the Hetalia movie along with DVD 3, even though it was also on sale.  I'm hoping that, in the future, Funimation will license the Hetalia OAVs, and maybe even bundle it with the movie. 

Honestly, when I watched the Hetalia movie before, I didn't have as much fun with it, as I thought I would.  I tried to figure out why it didn't really work for me.  (I've been beating my brain out about the same thing with Underworld.)  I hate it when I don't understand stuff, especially about myself. 

So, my first theory was that the movie was too long.  The Hetalia series is formatted into very short episodes and sporadic, 4-koma webcomics.  Maybe a movie format wasn't able to hold some kind of appeal aspect that the series was able to do for me.  Now, what that appeal aspect was, I could only speculate based on precedent(s).  I used to watch a cartoon series called Recess.  It was an unusual format for Disney TV series at the time, because each episode was only 15 minutes or less.  But I found that that short time-frame format forced the comedy to be paced quickly, with no time for any type of lag in the story.  When Recess got its own movie, that format suddenly allowed all this lag to creep in and slow down the usual fast pace, that I had liked about the comedy.  Perhaps this was the same phenomenon with the Hetalia movie?  0~0??? 

So my second theory was actually counter to a previous claim I had made about Hetalia.  A while ago, I was beginning to think that the majority of the fun of Hetalia was more in the fandom, than in the actual series itself.  Perhaps this was an effect of re-watching all the fun from past Hetalia cosplay gathering videos.  When I watch those memories, I feel like the fans are even more fun than just sitting and watching the anime.  Even though watching Hetalia still manages to make me laugh out loud (which is a remarkable feat), I still don't watch my Hetalia DVDs as often as one would think.  In fact, I only recently put some of the DVDs in to (re-)watch.  But I am online everyday, checking-in with the Hetalia fan community.  Sometimes I think a fandom can make a series more enjoyable than actually watching the series.  Again, I had a precedent with this same phenomenon in the Slayers fandom.  Much more than re-watching the anime, I was more addicted to being online, reading fanfics, drawing fanart, and participating in the fan community.  It was actually more fun than simply watching the very anime that the fandoms were built around.  It's a strange phenomenon, but can't be denied.  After all, the proliferation of non-cannon fandoms of a series is proof of the powerful experience of a fandom, vs the mere series alone.  It seems even more valid, when it comes to Hetalia.  I, like many other people, were simply not interested in history, until Hetalia.  Sure, there are some people who were history majors or history buffs first, then gained some interest in Hetalia, but I can't help but think that most Hetalia fangirls are more interested in the personified countries, than a history lesson.  That was the only way I could explain the appeal of Hetalia.  The personified countries, as _characters_ were just too much fun.  And even though the series is rife with stereotypes and potential offenses, considering those stereotypes as the mere "character quirks" of _characters_, rather than any larger comment/opinion on a race/nation, is part of the appeal of Hetalia.  I mean, no one wants to believe any stereotype that any food from England sucks, but watching a series where a character consistently can't cook well, no matter how determined they are to continue cooking, is a very popular running gag.  Whether it be Akane from "Ranma 1/2" or Orihime from "Bleach".  The best part about Hetalia is that it leaves so much open-endedness for fans to create their own "user generated", and thus, exponential, fun.  Basically, Hetalia just sets up the characters, their relationships, and exemplifies how actual history inspires embellishments to character back stories.  It's like a meme!  Not only can the fan-ficcers/fan-artists go nutz with their own takes on the story or characters, but Hetalia also offers alternate versions of each country-personification, to build *more* fandom upon.  So much interesting fanfiction is based on the Hetalia Cardverse's implied character relationships, and I myself love to draw Nekotalia fanart.  Hetalia just lends itself to fandom growth.  So here I was, beginning to believe that the appeal of Hetalia was more in taking the countries as characters in a cast, rather than having anything to do with history.  Then I watched the Hetalia movie, and one of the only differences between it and the series, was that it wasn't really a parody of historical events.  So was that the reason the movie didn't really work for me?  Was that the *real* reason that the series _does_ work for me?  Now I'm all confused (about myself).  @_@;

Regardless, I love the series, the fandom, the characters, and the fact that I finally learned some history that managed to stick to my brain.  ^_^  I can't wait for the next DVD volume!  I hope they continue the series beyond OAVs!  ^o^

resolution revision

First, the art.  It's not fan-art, which relates to this post subject.

Gotta revise my resolution.  It's been a week (set of weekdays), so I think that's a good chunk to evaluate this experiment so far. 

The issue is that it takes a lot out of me to write a big, long essay.  (Especially on a day like today, that I spent mostly in bed, feeling almost sick, all day.)  I can get really emotional, about it.  And even when I don't, I always am a perfectionist about it.  So I spend waaaay too much of my day, just on the "write something", when I should also be "crafting something" AND "drawing something" as well.  And I especially can't let my crafting suffer, for the writing, when I've got my first Artist Alley to create stock for, coming up soon.  Not to mention, there are other things in my life I should be doing.  I'm surprised how much of my day goes to writing, drawing, and crafting, when I try to get all 3 done everyday.  I'm supposed to be unpacking from the last con, cleaning, baking cookies, cooking more often, doing my seller's taxes, working on cosplay, editing cosplay videos, and researching a new job.  But there just isn't time for all of that AND my 3 resolutions---if I try to over-inflate all 3 projects each day. 

Truthfully, I did write something today.  And I usually do write something everyday.  That's why I thought it was so feasible.  It just wasn't an otaku essay.  (It was about crafting and Artist Alley.  I posted it up at my DeviantArt journal.  And it's loooong.)  This Blogger/Blogspot blog is supposed to be just otaku analysis essays.  But if the whole point of my resolution to write daily, was to practice writing, then it really doesn't really have to be about otaku anaylsis, to get in the practice. 

So, how about this?  I'll keep writing everyday, but at my LiveJournal, where I keep my "anything and everything" writing.  That'll be my daily writing practice.  And here at Blogger/Blogspot, I'll post my anime/manga analysis essays, whenever that happens to be what I write for the day.  In the end, I started this new/second blog, to have a blog that was actually concentrated and focused on one theme.  And it really doesn't have to be everyday to do that.  So, until the next essay!  ^_^

IT'S NOT UNIMPORTANT

First, the fanart:
http://mysticdragon3.deviantart.com/#/d4mz1lu
Finished painting Ika-musume's dress, even in the back, behind all that tentacle hair.

http://mysticdragon3.deviantart.com/art/it-s-rubbing-time-280473216

Every once in a while, we geeks always run into someone who says our interests are unimportant.

 But who makes these standards of what's "important"?  People, ways of living, are all too subjective for one person's standards to properly measure another person's.  No more can anyone impose tastes for foods or interests on another person.  Kind people generally allow everyone to live however they want, because they can be happy as long as other people are happy.  They also tend to realize that attacking another person's interests is the same as attacking that person.  Because any amount of empathy would prove that our interests reflect who we are, because *we* identify with them, in the first place.

 But humans are social creatures.  And living in a community requires some consensus of values.  So we all settle on basic things, like biological survival, mental well-being, and a freeddom to enjoy life.  More specific values, like good relationships with others, are agreed upon as priorities.  It's only natural as community members, and as the social-evolved animals called humans, afterall.  It became instinct because it so effective for survival, that it became ingrained into our Survival Instinct.  Humans have a hard time denying it, without copious logics and pondering.  So people look at geeks so involved in fictional stories, rather than stereotypical social endeavors, and say we're crazy.

 But what are these stereotypical social endeavors?  Running around, dating left and right?  Revolving all our actions, thoughts, and emotions, around that pursuit?  Partying all the time?  Posturing and trying to look cool for the opposite sex?

 I'm sorry, but while some people may enjoy experiencing life solely through trial and error or quantity of experiences, some of us prefer quality and thought.  Yes, we are out there.  Everyone's different, afterall.  There are even those who want a balance of each.  There's lots of people out there.

 Why should an experience indoors, or through thought-provoking fiction, be any less of an experience?  There is the "fairytale scholar's" theory that the whole point of fictional stories is to provoke the development of thought, for the goal of becoming someone who values human interactions, relationships, and feelings.  It's true, in my opinion.  And yet I find myself still wrapped up more in the fictional experiences, than applying the thoughts, I developed, into relationships with real people.  Well, that's just *my* social anxiety disorder:  an Escapism coward, forever practicing for real life interaction, but never doing it.  Or maybe me, and people like me, just need more time in training.  ...While we watch other levels of people branch out from solo fandom, into online communities, to convention socialization, and such.  We'll all get there eventually.  Even *I* cosplay.

 So do I conceed that Normal people's value of human relationships is priority?  I guess I'd have to answer that it's not "Normal people's values".  It's valuable to all of us.  As human beings, it's in our DNA, and we can't get away from it.  But why should we?  Because some representatives from the camp that values ONLY that stereotypical lifestyle and were jerks to us, say so?  Hell, no.  But because those experiences of human relationships and emotions are exactly the same reason we love the experiences in our fandoms' fictional stories.  It's all the same.  We're all human.  So none of us should be saying that one experience, or other, of life is unimportant. 

SOPA/PIPA is a medieval amputation, not medicine

First, today's fan-art:

http://mysticdragon3.deviantart.com/art/noisy-kitten-280221288

Painted Ika-musume's dress.

Piracy is a big issue to the otaku community.  Right now, I'm shopping for anime DVDs online, and the low prices confirmed what I heard in a recent podcast.  Kyle Hebert had a video about Bandai shutting down DVD production and it did indeed turn into DVD stock liquidation at the low prices he predicted.  So it is a little scary.  Especially since the sale at RightStuf! right now is for Funimation DVDs.  It's eerie to scroll through all the Funimation titles and remember how they used to belong to ADV and other such publishers who also had to cut their losses in the anime DVD production business.  ;_;  So when I wanted to check out Mushi-shi, to decide if I should buy the DVDs or not, I thought I was being all good, by going through the Funimation website, instead of the pirated stuff on YouTube.  The 2 commercials per commercial break on Hulu is nothing, compared to the 5-6 minute commercial breaks on TV lately---and for shows that aren't even really what I want!  So I was starting to feel proud to go all legal like this, but then I heard that the government may be cracking down on us enjoying our fandom anyway, no matter what efforts we try to be legitimate.  ;_;

 Today I went to theoatmeal.com to follow a link my cousin posted about petting kitties.  ^_^  But theoatmeal.com was suspending all their usual content for a day, to protest SOPA and PIPA.  I didn't know what the heck these were, so I followed the handy dandy link.  "To save the kitties."  ^_~

 I had no idea that people were thinking of bringing down the censorship sledgehammer onto sites that even just had _links_ to "off limits" stuff.  ;~;  Not that I think it's ok to censor people who just like making Photoshops of Oprah on jet skis.  But seriously, censoring LINKS screams "overkill", "crazy", or "doesn't really know what the real situation or issues are".  I had previously heard rumblings  of some kind of possible legislation that would ridiculously censor the internet, by anachronistic legislators who didn't really understand technology, let alone, how the internet (communities) works.  I thought it was some far off, proposed legislation, that would quickly be revealed to be obviously unrealistic, impractical, and just too unbelievable to be made law.  All the reporters and their interviewees seem to know it.  So I settled into a false relaxation that no one would seriously give this real thought.  But if SOPA/PIPA is what it is, then maybe even I would have to do something about it.  >.<!

 I'm not going to block out my pages in protest.  I just started my resolution to post a geeky blog every day.  I can't fall off the horse now.  And I don't like breaking good habits either.  So I'm not going to use a protest as an excuse to slack off from my daily DeviantArt upload either.  I need to keep the pressure on to motivate myself to craft and be productive.  It's important to living, to feel self-accomplished.

 But what I am going to do is write this blog.  Anyone reading, anyone out there at all: 
I started my lonely existence as a fan.  I wrote and taught myself to draw and paint.  I motivated myself to learn new software, like Photoshop and HTML, all so I could create things to enrich my fandom.  Now, whether the internet came into existence or not, whether all of us online get censored out of existence or not, I'll probably keep doing all my fandom.  But alone.  I have Social Anxiety Disorder and bordline autism.  But like all humans, connecting to others makes life better.  And the internet lets even someone like me do that.  If the US got censored to the severity expected from totalitarian governments (which is what SOPA and PIPA would do), then fans like me couldn't do fan-art, fan-fiction, or desktop Photoshops.  ;_;  Well, we would, but we'd be isolated again.  (Do you know that Comic Con went up from $75 to $125!?!  And even at $75, they still have an attendee cap!)  I don't want to be separated from the people who encouraged me to write my own original fiction, draw my own original art, and gave me the hope to become something.  Even if that something was just a wanna-be pro author/artist, who could tell the next generation of fan-artists/fan-ficcers that they could really grow their craft and become real pros.  I don't want fandom silenced, or restrained by the fear of silence.

 Go here for info on PIPA and SOPA:
http://americancensorship.org/infographic.html
 Wikipedia has a handy field that will link you to your local representative's contact info, if you just enter your zip code:
http://www.wikipedia.org/
 Stop SOPA and PIPA from turning good intentions into an evil massacre.  Please.